Thursday, July 29, 2010

Are you cool?

A few years ago, I went on a cross country road trip with my grandparents.
We stopped in at a cousin's house who I hadn't seen since I was around five.

I was sitting in her room with her, when she asks:

She asks again, "No, are you COOL?"
Blank stare...

"Do you smoke!?"
"Oh! Sure.."

So, we get into her truck and partake as she barrels down tiny backroads in the middle of a forest.
After a while she asks, "DO YOU KNOW WHERE WE ARE?"

I'm sure I had the look of utmost terror on my face.

She just laughed as she continued driving.
Shortly thereafter, we stopped to pick up two of her friends.

Who turned out to be Tweedledee and Tweedledum...

She then took us all to the lake.
I stood with my feet in the water for a long while practicing karate moves...

Until I look across the lake to see Jesus, arms spread walking towards me.

I turn around frantically looking for help, to see Tweedledee and Tweedledum bobbing around.

I decided to make a run for the truck, until I noticed that it had turned into a giant turkey.

Eventually I was coaxed into the truck and my cousin dropped me back off at the hotel we were staying at.
It was probably after midnight.

My Grandpa opens the door and immediately asks:

"Have you been smoking those funny cigarettes?"

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The Alaskan Rainforest.

A long while ago, Max and I decided to delve into the depths of mescaline.

We drank a lovely tea concoction of the stuff, which was pretty much like drinking a hot cup of boogers.
After consumption, we decided to venture out into the parking lot of my apartment building.
We gazed at the lovliness of the day.
The birds were singing. The grass was chirping.

It was only a while before there was a gigantic swarm of crane flies, which we thought were trying to get in our mouths and lay eggs inside of our bellies.

This resulted in us running and screaming through the parking lot in broad daylight.

We decided to go back inside so as not to frighten our very timid Asian neighbors any more than we already had.

Quickly becoming bored, we decided to paint pictures.
And quickly becoming bored of this, we decided to get naked and paint our entire bodies with a multitude of colorful paint.

By the time we were finished with painting and then clogging my shower with 800 gallons of acrylic paint, we decided it was time to go to the store for cigarettes. At three o'clock in the morning.

As we were driving the entire one mile to the gas station, Max kept asking me "Are we driving through mud?"
I wasn't really sure.

As we pulled up to the gas station, I decided we needed a game plan. I looked over at Max and said "Don't even open your mouth. Just don't say anything."

As soon as we step out the car and strange man starts yelling at us about our beautifully colored hairs.
So Max replies "We are SO NOT FUCKED UP RIGHT NOW!"
The man decides to follow us into the gas station picking at our hair and screaming.

After what seems like an hour of this man poking and prodding us, we arrive at the counter.
The man just stares at us, to which Max replies:

I tried to shush her as I ordered my cigarettes.
As I am completing the transaction, I hear "THEY ARE SO BEAUTIFUL!!!"

I look over and witness Max staring into a basket of fruit...

I grab her and run out of the store while she is screaming "I NEED CIGARETTES!"

I get in the car and tell her we have to go somewhere else because I am pretty sure the gas station attendant thinks we are criminally insane.

So, we then try to locate another gas station. When we finally find one, I tell Max she must go in this time by herself because I can't deal with it.

She wanders aimlessly through the gas station as I watch her through the windows. She somehow gets side tracked by the Slushie machine and decides she must have one....
But not before staring at and touching the condensation on the machine first...
For about ten minutes.

We spent the rest of the night naked on the couch staring into each other's eyes and believing we were in the middle of a war zone.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Did You Hear Gunshots?

Once, after a friend and I partook in inhaling some elevation substances, we took a lovely stroll through the neighborhood late in the evening.

As we were walking along, there were a million helicopters circling overhead.
Shining their spotlights on us, making us cringe away in fear.
I was pretty sure we were being abducted by aliens.

Some while later, a policeman drives up to us while we are staring at the sky like retarded zombies.

He rolls down the window and asks:
After a monumental stare down between the officer and us...